Grieving the Loss of a Parent
Grief is the hardest human emotional experience in life that is unavoidable. Imagine the pain of losing a parent.
People have different coping mechanisms and need to find what will work for them when their loved one passes away. Some people turn to drugs, alcohol, and other dangerous behaviors like cutting in an attempt to numb themselves from the emotional turmoil they are experiencing. Others simply shut down emotionally by refusing to share their feelings
The funeral is over, all the thank you cards have been sent and the flowers are now wilted. This is the time after a death that grief starts to creep in. Slowly at first, early mornings filled with lack of motivation. Evenings filled with tears, memories and a sense of loneliness. Or maybe it will pop in at unexpected times, when a song or a smell triggers a memory.
As an American we often take our social queues from people in the media and leaders from our country. Jackie Kennedy was that person that showed us how you should behave in public and how people expect to see us mourn, strong and without emotion in public.
While you can earn a Ph.D. in studying death and grieving most of us don’t think much about grief until we are knee deep in the process. The purpose of this article is to aid you or a loved one in the process, no matter what stage you are currently experiencing.
Two well-known specialists in their field created what is known as stages in grief. They both studied by observing human experiencing. The first is Dr Kubler Ross is 1969 published the 5 stage of death.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
While we have adapted these stages to be the foundation of the grieving process. The one mistake that is often made Dr Kubler Ross list above and study which his book was based on was actually created after study people with terminal illness. While the stages can be compared to grieving a loved one it doesn’t address everything in which is truly helpful for someone in the process. Dr Kubler Ross did make adjustments to the original stages by adding 2 additional stages of
· Shock
· Testing
The second well known specialist is John Bowlby written before 1969 he studied children with attachment issues. His stages are:
· Shock & numbness
· Yearning & searching
· Despair & disorganization
· Reorganization & recovery.
While his studies focused more on children, I believe those stages lend more to a guidance of a hybrid system that translates into adult children losing a parent. My own personal experience has defiantly been an overlap in Dr Kubler Ross stages pulling from anger and depression and misting those with all of John Bowlby stages.
I am a huge advocate for therapy and support groups and actually signed up for a group as my parent was entering hospice. The group ended up starting shortly after my parent passed away. Moving from a partial care giver to someone that needed to let go, I knew I would need that support from others that were not related to me. Unfortunately, the wait for the start of the group and the death of my parent didn’t align well. I ended up saying my final goodbye sooner than expected.
A few take a ways from the grief group that is important to share here. First, everyone grief story is different. Very few people parents last days are the same. We had a set of siblings in the support group and they both had different memories, experience and emotions despite their sharing the exact same time with their parent.
You can only manger your own grief. While as a female I naturally want to attend to other’s feelings. It was blocking my own grief, as I was comforting my own siblings and surviving parent.
It took a lot of energy to separate myself from my family so I could focus on my own feelings and emotions. It wasn’t until I made that conciseness decision did my own grief really start to move through the stages. This was months after the funeral, again, there is no time frame for grief.
The stages of grief are not linear. This isn’t like school where you pass one grade and move on to the next. Each stage is very fluid and moves like a stream during the spring and is unpredictable. For that reason alone, you cannot put a timeline on your grief.
A long time ago while experiencing a very difficult breakup with a boyfriend a therapist said it usually takes one month for each year you were together. While that advice for grieving a failed relationship that in no way translated into grieving a parent.
My parent passed away when I was 45, so by simple math, I would be deep in stages of grief for almost four years. While my tears and emotions do occasional suddenly appear when a moment triggers it. I am by no means deep in the stages after 18 months.
This brings up my next take way from the group. Give yourself permission to be sad as the moment presents itself. A song or smell can trigger memories at completely unexpected times. If you find this is happening to you, take a minute to allow the memory to flow. It is uncommon for me to take a restroom break for the ability to shit in the stall with a door closed and a moment of privacy.
The last thing that was helpful that was taught to us in group was the statement “your relationship hasn’t ended; it just takes on a different form”. Now for someone as analytical as I am, this statement made no sense to me and honestly, I made have made an inappropriate sound and facial expression when I first heard this.
We are all taught that death is the final goodbye. That is why a funeral or memorial service is so import the surviving people. It really took time for me to understand what they heck that even meant. However, you get to learn more about your loved own by other’s memories they share with you. Then if you take a really quiet moment and be still, you can continue to speak to your parent and if you focus they do talk to us through different methods than words spoken or through their touch.
My one close friend usually spends her time in the car with her mother; often the radio will play a song that had meaning for her memories. Though I haven’t had a reading myself I do enjoy watching the TLC show “The Long Island Medium”. In many of those episodes Theresa Caputo is telling the surviving family member that their loved one was present for a milestone moment that has occurred since their passing.
When hearing other’s condolences to me the theme was “make sure you take care of yourself” over and over again. As someone who already suffers from depression, this comment was in no way comforting to me.
This was also the part of the grieving process that I ignored the longest and as a result, I fell into a dark depression that cost me the most setbacks. If the only piece of information you absorb through this article, may it be learn from my mistakes. Traditionally cookie dough was a food group for me during a breakup. This actually caused me more misery that I recognized at the time. Your body has natural defensives when you are in high emotional stress situations. Giving your body the balance nutrients are vital to maintain your health, both emotionally and physically.
Resist consuming an abundance of sugar and caffeine. It is also important to restrain from more than 2 drinks of alcohol on any given day. Those items interfere with your adrenal glands which aid your body’s natural defenses. This can also complicate your life in general so really try to avoid that temptation as much as possible. Those items interfere with your adrenal glands which is your body’s natural way to manage stress.
Most importantly get more rest and/or sleep that you typically do. Take time for meditation and/or yoga. Go to bed thirty minutes before you did before your loss. Rest and sleep with assist your mind, body and soul more than you recognize and can rejuvenate your life naturally.
Resist over complicating life for the short term. Try not to move homes or take on a new job, this isn’t time to add extra stress to your life, so absolutely avoid these if all possible.
In closing, grief is the most difficult process we as human being will ever experience. Needing help from other doesn’t make you weak, it actually makes you stronger. Trust me, you got this. Give yourself time to move through the process and you will be amazed when reflecting years in the future that how brave and strong you were, and this experience made you a better human being.
Ask your family doctor for assistance in finding resources in your area. NAMI, National Alliance on Mental Illness is a free service that can assist you in finding help as well. NAMI can be reached by calling 1–800–950-NAMI , info@nami.org or test NAMI to 74174.
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